In Honor of National Adoption Month …
I agonized over whether or not to write anything for National Adoption Month. As
you can see, here we are in the last week of the month, and with a lot of encouragement from a good friend to write something, I decided to go for it. (Thanks, Valerie! 
)
When you suffer in silence, nothing good comes of it. It can be damaging to your health. I don’t believe in holding things in for these reasons.
Oh, goodness, though … this is one of those where to begin type situations. Maybe the obvious place to start is at the beginning.
I Was Too Young to Realize a Nightmare Was Beginning
I was adopted when I was 2 years old, along with my biological sister. I would later, into my adult years, learn that there was just no way our biological parents could keep and raise us.
It was a heartbreaking story to learn that shattered years of dreams of a happy reunion and reconnection that possibly could become a healed relationship. I still hold out hope for that possibility, because my God is bigger than the worst tragedy.
I would also later come to a painful realization, in recent years, that our mother considered sending us back during her pregnancy with her and our dad’s first biological child. They had been told that they would probably never have children biologically, which of course had led to the adoption. But as sometimes happens, they ended up having two children after the adoption.
Had this statement she made been the only “off” experience during our lives, while hurtful, it would be a distant, fading memory. Instead, this statement coming to light became one more puzzle piece to a picture that had been coming together for a couple of years. Since learning this information, more pieces have come together that have brought the picture even more into focus.
The Picture Eventually Became Crystal Clear
It’s a picture of a couple who wanted children, but once they thought they could not have biological children, turned to a Plan B option of adoption. And adoption should never be seen as Plan B. Here’s why.
While adoption can be and often is a beautiful experience, with it comes a host of issues relating to loss and trauma that impact a child’s life forever. It has been said by one adoptee that,
“Abandonment is the most common issue of the adoptee.” (Source: Happy Adoptees, by Julie A. Rist)
Now, I wouldn’t try to speak for adoptees as a whole, because every adoptee is a unique individual and there very well may be some who don’t struggle with abandonment. They may struggle with other things. Or perhaps they have found complete healing from the wounds they experienced as a part of their adoption experience. But my own experience supports this statement. Abandonment has been a major issue for me.
So naturally, finding out that my mother had thought about sending me back was devastating on an emotional level. As many more things have unfolded in the family unit since learning this, I can’t begin to explain what a nightmare it has been in many ways, including as it relates to the issue of abandonment.
The Ultimate Abandonment by Those Claiming to be “Real Parents”
Because of the nature of the circumstances, I cannot share much detail. It involves my sister and custody issues with her daughter. Probably the most ironic part of it is that for years my mother taught me to tell people who asked me who my “real parents” are that “real parents are the ones who love and raise you,” basically.
Well, as a parent myself now and after all that has gone on, I know that is only the beginning of framing who “real parents” are.
And I know this …. real parents (and real love, for that matter) do not expect and encourage their daughter to stay in a relationship with a man who calls her a dumb retard (among a number of other things he has done):
That is the text message where my sister was forwarding some texts he had sent her to our mother. And not only did she encourage and expect her to stay in a relationship with him for some time, since custody issues began happening, he lives with her and our supposed father during the weeks he has my niece, while my sister has been told she is not welcome there during those weeks.
I look at my sweet little girl and think if any man ever did the things this man has done to my sister … well, let’s just say the situation would be quite the opposite of what this one is. We’ll leave it at that.
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I was adopted as well when I was 3 along with my 7 siblings to different families. I love my Mom and Dad and I don’t think of them as my adopted parents, they are my parents
That’s awesome that your experience was so positive, Chrissy … as I do believe most really are! I’m glad for you!!
Thank you for sharing this story. I know it must have been hard for you to write but sometimes the hardest ones are the ones that are the most helpful.
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Thank you, Melissa. That really is my hope. I appreciate your thoughts so much. The response has been so kind and supportive, which means a lot after all that has gone on.
I was so very lucky with the people who adopted me - I was adopted as a baby, I never knew anyone else, I was cared for and accepted by the whole family but I still suffered with awful abandonment issues. I felt as id the person who brought me into the world didn’t want me how could ‘strangers’, I fully believe in many ways it is the reason I suffer with mental health problems so badly. Through everything though my parents have been at my side and that is all I could ask for.
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Sarah …. I am so glad you had parents who are so supportive of you!! Thank you for sharing your experience. God bless your parents for being such an amazing blessing to you!
I am so sorry you had to go trough this. I agree, that adoption shouldn’t be a plan B.
Thank you, Angela.
I like that you ended the story on a positive note (and I agree, empathy is a good thing even if it comes about in a way we wouldn’t expect). I also agree that it’s good to get things out rather than have them all to yourself, especially when the thing you would be holding in would be so very big and hard to carry just alone. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you, Rosey. I do try to focus on the positive, even when it can be hard! I feel like there is most always something good to find in any circumstance if you look hard enough.
I can partially relate to some of this. Adoption isn’t always a bad thing as their are many who do it and everything turns out fine.
I was adopted. My mother is my biological mother, but my father adopted me when they got married. My bio father wanted nothing to do with me, even after I was born and my mother went over to his house to see him/his parents and show them the newborn baby. I was born 3 months early with a host of health problems. I died not once, but three times. I lived in the hospital for a good 6-7 months. So he had plenty of time to gather his thoughts about my birth. He never did. He came out of the house and shoved me and my mom back in the car. I didn’t know this until much later is life as I didn’t find out I was adopted until I was in my 20s. I’m 39 now.
My bio father raised me. He came from a terrible house of family of dark secrets. My mom never knew until it was too late. You see, my adopted father molested me for 12 years. I never had a normal childhood. I never knew what it was like to be loved the right way by a father for both had treated me as if I were a piece of trash to be used whenever.
It took a long time for my mother and I to get out of that situation. Part my fault because I did not tell her what was happening until much later, only to find out my adopted dad had gone through much worse. I made the choice that I was not going to let what happened to me cause me to be a statistic. I was going to be better than that.
In my mid 20s, I found out I was adopted. I was shattered to know that my adopted father, the one who abused me, wasn’t even really my dad. My mother told me the story of my real dad but she refused to tell me who he was. I had a cousin help with that and eventually found my bio father. We talked for a few months and then he got cold feet and told me never to contact him or his family again.
I have a half brother and sister who have no idea I exist. Now I live in the same state as them and not a day goes by when I dont consider reaching out to them.
I have not been able to have kids of my own. I have PCOS which prevents me from having children. I dont have insurance, so no fertility treatments. Besides, my age and health problems prevent me from being a candidate. I’ve looked into adoption, but it’s very expensive unless you go through the state adoption/foster program.
Their are many forms of adoption, ages, styles, and so on. Not all kids are going to have abandonment issues. If you get an infant from an orphanage overseas and you are always open and honest about why they came to America, you have a better chance of teaching them to cope in a loving way.
Adoption is not for everyone. It is not the same for everyone. Maybe someday I will be able to adopt. Maybe not. But, whatever I have to go through, it will be worth it to know I helped a child who needed a home.
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Oh, goodness, Chrystal. I am so, so sorry for all you have been through. I know all about “family secrets”. That’s a big part of the dysfunction I mentioned. Maybe the ones in this family aren’t quite as “bad” but the whole thing of secrecy created quite the environment for what has now evolved. Now people must decide if they are going to face it for the good of the family or let the family just fall apart. A family can only be healed if all parties are willing to do the hard work, so we’ll see.
You made some very good points and it seems you, too, have much insight from all you have gone through. I will pray for you and do hope that you are able to adopt! I will see if I can find an email on your blog …. I have some experience and information that may interest you about adoption grants.
I am so sorry for you, adoption should be something people want; not just some other choice. It may have been hard, but it’s not about what happened in the past but what you make of your future!
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My dad adopted us when we were little. Later on my left us and he remarried and she adopted us. My mom was a blessing from above. She is amazing. But I never connected with my dad. Today we still often talk. He always says he loves us but yet never hear or see him. I have t seen him in 3 years. And often avoids me if I am in town. My adoption story wasn’t the best experience but that has made me love and care for my boys better. KnowING I never want that/this pain for them. no child should ever feel as if they are plan B or unaccepted. My uncle did adopt 2 kids and I have to say he is an awsome dad to them. He never treats them as if they weren’t his. Cause they are his. Him and his wife have very warming hearts and they make amazing parents. My prayers are with you and your family.
I am glad you got to see both “sides” of it in your family but hurt along with you that your situation was similar to ours. Of course…. most will SAY they love you. I was told this emphatically today by another family member …. “Your mom does love you and (your sister).” Right ….. well, as they say actions do speak louder than words and words only go so far when there are actions that do not back up the words. When a child reaches a certain age, if it is not sincere they most likely will begin to see it for what it is. I’m so sorry that also was your experience.
I’m sorry that you had a bad experience. I hope though that it is a saving grace for others.
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Thank you, Amanda. Me, too, truly.
I’m really sorry you had this painful experience, but I’m glad it has made you strong and helped your relationship with your son.
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Thank you, Ave.
It might have.. been so hard and took so much courage for you to even post this.. but thanks for letting us know. Our have our prayers for this one…
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I just want to say this your story broke my heart but I think the experience has probably made you that much better of a mother because you know the pain you have gone through.
This is very emotional and very sad. I will say a prayer for you and your family, especially your sister. I can’t even imagine the pain that you both have went through. It is hard to imagine sometimes what people go through.
My father was not adopted but was placed in a Catholic orphanage with his 6 siblings at a young age and both parents were living. When they all turned 14, they were “farmed” out so to speak all to different families all over the state. He was unfortunate to land with a not very nice or good family who pretended they were taking him in out of the goodness of their heart, but in reality were just using him as cheap labor. It was a different time and a different generation but over they years I have thought about how difficult it must have been for him and his siblings. Some of them landed in very good and loving homes. He did not.
It is a good thing that you will be able to help your son understand or answer some of his questions.
It’s really sad, parenting isn’t something people should do because they want to; it’s something people should really be prepared for. It takes a lot, I am so sorry for you!
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I honestly have nothing to say that could make this any better. Know that my heart hurts for you though. Huge hugs to you.
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Thank you, Stefany … and trust me, I understand that totally. It is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced this level of dysfunction before what it is like or to think they could even begin to understand or know what to say. It has always stuck out to me how when something horrible happens, perpetrated by someone, people who know that someone will always say, “I could never have imagined them doing this. I’m shocked.” Well, people can put up a good front and fool lots of people. That is for sure.
I’m so sorry! I couldn’t imagine. My aunt and my dad were adopted and theyve never really talked about it so I wonder how they feel!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Adoption is multi-faceted for the people who adopt and for the children who are adopted.
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I am so sorry you had to go through that. Adoption should never be a plan B.
I have always been the unwanted child in my family. My mother planned to give me up for adoption but changed her mind last minute because my grandfather threatened to cut her from his will if she did (he was very staunchly catholic) It would have been better if she had as I lived with resentment and a feeling of unwantedness everyday of my life.
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Nicole …. I am so, so sorry.
I’m sorry you having such a very hard time. I know that I love my children and would do anything that they needed to help them get out a situation like this.
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Thank you, Rena. I know that most parents would, thankfully!!
I think those who adopt are amazing! The stories I know are of much love and successful family relationships. I can only hope more of these multiply
coolchillmom recently posted…Tips on How to Wrap a Car – Holiday Gift Guide
Yes, I know that most of the adoption stories are happy-ending stories. I am so glad that’s the case for most children.
Wow. What a horrible story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through, but it certainly seems to have made you a very strong woman.
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Thank you, Krystal. Know that saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? I’d say it is true for the most part.
I’m sorry that this is your experience. I’ve only known of really happy adoptions, we have a few adopted in our family and they are very much wanted and loved.
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Thanks, Lesley. I’m so glad that has been the experience in your family.
I agree that adoption should not be plan B! Adopting a child is a wonderful thing and a great way to give love to someone who needs it, not an alternative to having your “own” children.
Adoption is such a beautiful, altruistic thing. I agree that it shouldn’t just be a plan B. It’s about what the orphaned kids need, not what the adopting parents want.
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I’m so sorry this has been your experience! I know many others who have had the opposite, and my husband and I are currently considering it, as well.
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My sister in law adopted two children and I worry what they may have to deal with as they grow up.
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Hi Heather …. loving parents will get their children the help they need and do whatever it takes to work through issues. I know that most situations end well. I know there are plenty of stories of situations that did not, but I do believe it is the exception rather than the rule. I will pray for your sister in law and her children!